Dear inconsiderate ass of a friend and awful human being. I hope my letter reaches you in great health. I mean that of the letter, not you. I hope when the letter reaches you, you are being terrorised by a group of honey bees who’ve recently realised you give people onion and garlic flavoured gum. I pleasantly hope you still have the skills required to read the letter.
I want to thank you. No really, i do. In spite of the fact that you are a bad person to whom horrible things should happen. Such as stubbing your little finger on every furniture item you own. Or getting all comfortable in your sleep, with a blanket on top and then having the sudden urge to get up and pee.
I have to thank you. First off, for making me realise that there is another atrocious thing added to the list of things that want to make me puke.
Second, for making my taste buds realise they can still function after such a horrible torture. Though they still recoil at the thought of you garlic and onion flavoured gum.
Third, for making me realise that people are usually either truly stupid, cruel or mischievous yet truly creative for thinking of such things.
And finally the fourth. For allowing me to realise that i can be so pleasantly passive aggressive and tell you to die a horrible and terrible death without feeling guilty.
You my friend are scum. One of the worst types of scum ever to set foot and distribute gum to innocent people who long for some because their busy life doesn’t allow them to remember such simple pleasures and only remember them when they see it. So when they see you and your gum, they would love one. Little do they know, that their saintly gum distributor is actually Satan in disguise.
Let me ask you. How do you live with yourself after doing such a thing? How? And I also question how could you do such a thing to a friend like me? One of your best friends. How do you sleep at night? Oh I’m sorry. I think i articulated that you won’t at the start of the note.
Sadly, since it’s my first time being so passive aggressive and so severely iodinated, i think this is my limit. I would like to end up by summing up and saying, I hope your arms fall off the moment you finish this letter.
Another attempt at a funny piece! I found this topic while randomly scrolling through the net! Fun!
Happy Reading!
Parks,Cities and Maroon Payphones 