My biggest fear

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So you want me to talk to you eh? I keep on telling you things and you keep on listening, enraptured by my heavy voice and poetic words. Having the image of whatever I speak settle in your mind, which you will keep forever with you.
But this can’t start all of a sudden. I need to think. What will I speak about? What? What was that? Speak about my biggest fear or phobia you say? So, I don’t even get a choice in this matter either. Settle yourself rigidly in your seats and prepare. Empty your mind. Let go of all which you have swirling around in there. Prepare to be enthralled.
It was an era long ago; it’s been that long now. But it feels just as real for all of us, no matter how many eras may pass between then and when my words are heard. Just as important. To know, to believe, that your life will be as you want it to be. Nothing, not a job, not heartbreak, not loss, will ever take away your ability to make your own life your own.
I remember. I was free. I could have done whatever I wanted, and how ever i wanted. I could write and talk, watch movies and play Pokémon, enjoy with my friends, enjoy my time. For when there is nobody with a claim on your time, your soul is your own. You can do whatever with it. But the moment somebody claims your time, they have you for that collection of seconds. For that collection, you are not you. You become a waiter, a survivor. You aren’t yourself for those seconds.
But only, I emphasize on the only, if those seconds are against your will. If you instead enjoy the seconds which somebody else claims, they don’t feel like survival or wait at all. They feel like the seconds when your soul is your own.
So, all of a sudden, one day my time was claimed by my future. I found myself being engulfed by my uncertainty of the future. I was stressed, and with a strange form of anxiety taking over me at discrete moments. These discrete moments were wars between my conflicting thoughts. I wanted to sit back and relax, read a book or write one, or watch a movie, but my future wouldn’t allow it. It would instead press me to do something else for its own betterment. These moments were the wars, when I couldn’t decide what i wanted. Because my future is an extension of me.
But those moments were not it. Another fear had set into me. What if one day, somebody but me had a claim on my soul for a set amount of time per day? What if I didn’t like it? Maybe I would hate it. I didn’t know what it was like, the future. And i didn’t know how I would be like then, because of it.
I feared my life, with so much time not being my own, would slip away from me; just as I saw it slipping away in anxiety and uncertainty.
Too this day, that has been the greatest fear I’ve had. I never felt so uncertain, so helpless, because it was inevitable. The change, was a step forward. Nothing I could have done to stop it from coming.
That phase ended. It did. It lasted less than half a year. It seems small, little now. But then, since I didn’t know when it would end, it was endless. There were stops in the way when the uncertainty would recede, but it would always find its way back. Until one day, it went, never to come back, drowning away and mixing with newly discovered confidence. That particular moment, which came over days, gave me belief. SO what if my time is claimed by somebody else for a lot of seconds every day? There will be a time when my soul would be my own. I believed, I could shape my life, regardless of the quantity of control I wouldn’t have over it, only if I put in the effort.
That is, and will always be my biggest fear. My Mount Everest. The huge hill standing between me and the rest of my life. As you go up, every step that you take, you feel less anxiety of uncertainty and more of falling down. Eventually, when you reach the top, you lose all anxiety, and the uncertainty doesn’t worry you. And as you come down, you’re careful to not fall harsh and land on the other side again; but since it’s been done once, you are more confident you will do it again.


 

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